There’s nothing like some incessant train-like snoring on a
camping trip to hammer home that at least one person in your tent is in deep
slumber and you are definitely NOT. They are completely comatose while you lie
wide awake rapidly getting more and more pissed off. It goes without saying
that this is totally unfair; if that number
of decibels is coming out of them then they should be the first to wake up. How
can they possibly sleep through a sound as loud as a pneumatic drill coming out
of their own head? Half the bloody campsite is probably awake because of it! The
snorer is so asleep that the persistent, thunderous vibrations in their throat
don’t wake them.
On a recent camping trip, I was subjected to some monstrous snoring. It
made me resort to entombing myself in the sleeping bag in a vain attempt to
block out some sound, but if anything it seemed to reverberate around the bag
and get even louder. So there I was, lying helplessly awake on the other side
of the paper thin canvas feeling very sorry for myself. I was so tired but it
was impossible to nod off. I debated with the idea of going to the loo so I
could noisily search for my torch and unzip and zip up the tent as loud as physically
possible, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
You see, it wasn’t just the noise pollution that was proving
a problem. The bitter cold was compounding my distress. I was wearing leggings
under my pyjama bottoms and a jumper over my top. I had a blanket and three
towels over my sleeping bag (I ended up with the thin one) and I was still
cold. (Note to self: never fall for the vintage flower print over insulation
properties.) My nose was so cold it was like having an ice cube stuck to my
face. My body was so tense partly because of the snore-stress but also because
my muscles were desperately contracting in a valiant attempt to generate some
much needed body heat.
Being in the middle of this snorezone was just too much. In the end I whispered
through the canvas divide to Mum who was on the other side. “Mum, are you
awake?” Of course she was. “Please can you kick him? Please.” We both felt
really bad about it but it had to be done. And then there was peace. Blissful
serenity and a golden chance to drop off. I knew it would be a brief window of
opportunity so I felt an unhelpful wave of pressure to fall asleep quickly, but
I was so pooped that the silence was enough to soon lull me off into my own
deep slumber. Allelujah.