Sunday, 16 October 2016


There’s nothing like some incessant train-like snoring on a camping trip to hammer home that at least one person in your tent is in deep slumber and you are definitely NOT. They are completely comatose while you lie wide awake rapidly getting more and more pissed off. It goes without saying that this is totally unfair; if that number of decibels is coming out of them then they should be the first to wake up. How can they possibly sleep through a sound as loud as a pneumatic drill coming out of their own head? Half the bloody campsite is probably awake because of it! The snorer is so asleep that the persistent, thunderous vibrations in their throat don’t wake them.

On a recent camping trip, I was subjected to some monstrous snoring. It made me resort to entombing myself in the sleeping bag in a vain attempt to block out some sound, but if anything it seemed to reverberate around the bag and get even louder. So there I was, lying helplessly awake on the other side of the paper thin canvas feeling very sorry for myself. I was so tired but it was impossible to nod off. I debated with the idea of going to the loo so I could noisily search for my torch and unzip and zip up the tent as loud as physically possible, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

You see, it wasn’t just the noise pollution that was proving a problem. The bitter cold was compounding my distress. I was wearing leggings under my pyjama bottoms and a jumper over my top. I had a blanket and three towels over my sleeping bag (I ended up with the thin one) and I was still cold. (Note to self: never fall for the vintage flower print over insulation properties.) My nose was so cold it was like having an ice cube stuck to my face. My body was so tense partly because of the snore-stress but also because my muscles were desperately contracting in a valiant attempt to generate some much needed body heat. 

Being in the middle of this snorezone was just too much. In the end I whispered through the canvas divide to Mum who was on the other side. “Mum, are you awake?” Of course she was. “Please can you kick him? Please.” We both felt really bad about it but it had to be done. And then there was peace. Blissful serenity and a golden chance to drop off.  I knew it would be a brief window of opportunity so I felt an unhelpful wave of pressure to fall asleep quickly, but I was so pooped that the silence was enough to soon lull me off into my own deep slumber. Allelujah.